Dear Castiel,
by natalieblake
Summary: Dean sucks at vocalizing his feelings, and, realizing that he sucks slightly less on paper, decides to write Castiel a letter.
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Castiel,_

This is dumb, Dean decides. He's a grown man, writing a letter to another grown man, a former angel, actually, and it's dumb. It's dumb that Dean can't work up the nerve to say these things out loud, for fear of not saying enough, or not saying the right thing at all. In truth, Dean's still working out how he feels about all this. About Castiel.

He twirls the pen between his fingers, chews his lip, looks down at the nearly empty sheet of paper. Is "Castiel" too formal? Dean crosses out the _tiel, _leaving just "Cas".

_Dear Cas__tiel,_

_ Is this weird? Writing you a letter, I mean. I don't think it is, but even if this is weird, you understand why I have to do it this way. You know me, better than anyone, probably, and you know that most of the time what I'm thinking is a lot different than what I say. I guess it was easier when you were an angel. You could just read my thoughts and understand what I meant even when what I said didn't make much sense. But then, you not being able to read minds kind of forces up to face up to this...this _thing _we've been dancing around for years. Which is, I don't know. I'm not really sure how to feel about it, but this probably for the best. Basically, Cas, I can't live without you._

_ If you don't feel the same things that I'm feeling - that I've always felt, well, then things just got a lot more awkward between us. But I'm pretty sure you already know. I've said it before, not the big three words, exactly, but I tend to hide it in phrases that are easier to say. Remember last year? In the crypt? I told you I needed you. And in Purgatory, when I said I wouldn't leave without you. I say it all the time, Cas. And I know you hear me. You know how I feel, I'm pretty sure. But I'm going to say it, for real this time, so everything is out there. I'm in love with you, Cas. It took me a while to figure it out, but I am. I always have been, and I always will. _

_ You confused me, at first, and to be honest, you still do. I don't like guys. I'm not gay. But somehow, and I don't know how, really, you're different. You're Cas. I don't get it. All I know is that I really can't stand it when you leave, and I've never wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone, but then here you are. _

_ I don't know for sure if you're in love with me, too. I like to think you are, what with the whole giving-up-everything-for-me, but maybe it's platonic love, like me and Sammy. That's fine, if that's what it is. I like being your friend, Cas, really. I like showing you new things and making you laugh and hearing your perspective on things and watching movies together. I really like all of that. But, on top of being your friend, I'd also really like to kiss you. And maybe even other things, if you want. _

_ Right now, I'm not even sure if giving this to you is the right thing to do. Mostly, I'm scared. This is, by far, the scariest thing I've ever done, demon hunting included. Just know that right now, while you're reading this, there's some major, killer butterflies in my stomach. Wait, you probably don't get that reference and you're probably worried about killer butterflies in my stomach now. Calm down, it's just a saying. I'll tell you about it later. Well, I'm just rambling now. I think I've said all that I needed to say._

_ I guess that even if you don't feel the same as me and nothing at all comes out of this, it's for the best. I've been meaning to tell you these things for so long I think I'd probably explode if I didn't get it out soon. And I couldn't stand it if you never knew. If you died, and I never got to tell you...it'd suck, Cas. It'd suck so much. _

_ I love you. So much it scares me. _

There. Dean reads over the letter a few times, smiling a bit imagining Cas's face as he reads the part about the butterflies. And Dean wasn't kidding about that part. His whole stomach is in knots, and as he stands up and stuffs the letter into an envelope, his hands shake. Dean writes "_For Cas" _on the envelope, and looks at it. He's really doing this. He feels like he might be sick.

Sam and Cas are in the library, nerding out together, and so Dean figures the coast is clear. He walks down a few doors from his room and across the hall, opening Cas's bedroom door. Dean flicks the light on, and grins at the mess that Cas has left inside. Cas is probably the messiest person Dean's ever met, including himself.

Dean steps over a stack of books, placing the letter on Cas's pillow. He sighs. Here it goes.


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel stares down at the letter in his hands. He's smiling, and if anyone else happened to be in the room at that moment, they probably would have been blinded by the happiness radiating from him.

He kind of wishes that Dean could have told him in person, but it would have gone...less than ideal, with Dean stumbling over his words and probably cursing a lot and apologizing for saying anything in the first place. Then he'd leave and get drunk and never want to talk about it ever again. So yeah, it's better this way.

As for the subject matter of the letter, it comes as no surprise. Cas has known, for a long time, that Dean loved him, even before Dean had completely worked it out for himself.

It seems ridiculous that Dean would ever doubt that Castiel loved him, but, as Cas has discovered, Dean has an astounding amount of self-doubt for such a seemingly confident person. It also makes him feel like a bit of a failure, like he hasn't shown Dean enough times how much he loves him. _I should write this down, _Castiel thinks. _I should write him a letter in response. _He grabs a piece of paper off his desk, and clicks a pen.

_Dean,_

_ I know. I know all of it, and I am beyond grateful that such a wonderful person as you are could ever love someone like me. I don't quite understand it, but know this: for your love, and for you to love me, is all I've ever needed and it is all I will ever need. It is more than I ever could have expected and more than I ever asked for. You mean more to me than you will ever know._

_ Before you, I was a soldier, and a mediocre one at that. I did not ever think for myself, and I never strayed from the path that heaven had set out for me. Life was easy, but it was boring. Then, I saved you. The moment I laid a hand on you in hell, I was lost. An entire life of loyalty, Dean, and all of it sacrificed, for you. My righteous man. _

_ That was the first day of my life, really, the first day I was really, truly living. After that, everything changed. I love humanity, sure, but I am in love with you. You taught me free will. You urged me to make decisions for myself, and I messed up, admittedly very badly a few times, but at least I was free. My brothers and sisters in heaven saw the change in me, begged me to stay on the path they carved out for me, tried to convince me that my loyalties lay with heaven, not with you, but I rebelled anyway. I gave up everything I had, including my own life, to save you. And I'd do it a million times again. _

_ Because your soul shines brighter than any star, than any angel's grace, and maybe it just seems that way to me, but Dean, sometimes looking at you is like looking at the sun. You blind me, but I can't look away. I get spots in my eyes, but I'd look again, just to feel your warmth. You have bravery, courage, incredible kindness, and it's dazzling. You taught me so much about what it means to be human, to live. You, and your way of looking at the world has shown me things that make my life before you seem absolutely not worth living._

_ So it makes me incredibly sad to think that you've ever believed, even for a single second, that you are not the most precious, amazing, astounding, beloved element of my existence. You are my everything. I love you._

If Castiel were ever to say any part of this letter out loud, Dean would probably pretend to throw even throw up for real. But right now, the angel is being a total creep. He's stuffed the letter, folded, into Dean's latest book sitting on the bunker table. Castiel is hiding out in a dark corner of the kitchen at the moment, table still in sight, and he's been waiting for...10 minutes? 20? Too long, he decides, and almost as soon as he thinks that, soft footsteps padding slowly down the hallway can be heard.

Dean, wearing a band t-shirt so faded Castiel can't even read the logo, comes walking into view. He rests one hand on the back of a chair, picks up his book. Castiel holds his breath. Dean opens it, and freezes. The book is dropped on the table, forgotten, the letter unfolds in Dean's hands, and he's smiling. Big. Eye crinkles and all. Castiel is only able to wait about a total of 3 seconds after Dean's finished reading it before he goes right up and kisses him hard on the mouth. Dean's still grinning through the kiss.


End file.
